Fearless?

The "Year of Confidence" is far gone since 2015 seems to be moving at an unstoppable rate, but I'm realizing, as expected, everyday I'm still learning how to be brave.
I find confidence in the moments I feel I'm not strong enough.
I find courage in the moments when I have to keep on keeping on.
I find bravery in showing up, despite every little voice fighting against me.

Diligence. Discipline. I was scared of these words, and still am. They take courage to tackle. I have made many choices for this Year of Diligence, but many of them find me at cross roads that are hard to face, or repeating the same task day by day that I wish not to.
I joined a new church, and allowing myself to be taken is one of the scariest and most vulnerable things, but I still choose to go back every week.

This weekend I was feeling a little discouraged and hopeless. My heart was weak and afraid.
My future seemed too big, too lofty. I felt unworthy and unprepared.
And even as I bought a shirt on Friday to commemorate my year of confidence, with words scripted "She who is brave is free", I wore it proudly, but didn't believe it for a second.

This morning I was scrolling through my Instagram when I came across an account of the co-founder of the organization called The Archibald Project. Their mission is to share stories of orphans and adoptions through media. Whitney, right now, is living in Uganda with her husband and her posts literally inspire my heart every day.
Today's words could not have been more fitting, more encouraging and more convicting.
She wrote,

"Someone recently told me they thought I was fearless.
I laughed.
I would say I'm one of the most fearful people I know.
My brain and the enemy work overtime and I literally think about death multiple times a day. I'm fearful of flying and I married to a pilot. There wasn't a single month in the 5 1/2 years Nick worked for the airlines that I didn't have to get on a plane...multiple times. I'm fearful of germs and illness; I'm fearful of car accidents and my throat randomly closing up. I'm fearful of snakes inviting themselves in through my front door anytime I leave the living room. I'm fearful that we'll never have kids and if we do we will be so far behind all our friends and family that we'll have to make new friends. I think everyone who walks into a public place is planning a shooting or kidnapping...Y'all...I'm not kidding, I'm fearful. But something that my husband and Jesus have pushed me in is that even though I'm afraid I can't choose to live in that fear. Fear is an emotion, and yes, sometimes it's good to have fear, but most of the time it's unmerited. If I chose to live in my fears I wouldn't be experiencing all the wonderful things of life. I wouldn't be relying on God every day. I wouldn't learn to trust God over my emotions. I wouldn't be living halfway around the world in a sometimes uncomfortable land if I listened to my fear. I think God has used my fear to show me sides of His grace and love that I would never have known otherwise. I also think God has used fear to show me my calling. I know often times the enemy tries to derail God's plans and so often he uses fear to keep us from doing what God is calling us to do. Faith doesn't come before you take the step against your fears, it comes after. So I guess I'm just throwing it out there. If you're afraid, push into it. Don't picture me, or others around you as being able to do what they do because they aren't fearful. Chances are people are a lot more fearful than you know, it's just how people choose to move against the fear that shows real bravery. ☺️"

 Yeah.
On a day when my heart was feeling like it had no courage stored up, continually people told me testimony of how God used them despite and through their fears.

I don't know if I'm ready to conquer the world yet, but I am reminded that I can take it one step at a time, and that I am never alone.
May you be encouraged where you are at today. 

Hospitality

When I think of hospitality, I think of pineapples and dinner guests and always having coffee and snacks ready for when anyone drops by. Having a bed for weary guests to spend the night in. And honestly, because I don't have my own house or coffee maker, I thought I was excluded from this hospitality thing. But I soon realized I had missed the whole point.

Last semester I had to take a class called Christian Ethics. We got to a point in the semester where my professor would make us apply every ethical dilemma or choice to hospitality, shalom and love. At first I did not understand how to do this at times, because I did not know how hospitality or shalom could have anything to do with these dilemmas. But as we had to apply them again and again, I started to realize that it was not that they didn't fit the situations, but that I had a very close minded view on hospitality, shalom, and even love. However, having to do this over and over I got to the point where I started seeing hospitality everywhere. We talk greatly about love. And I think many people strive for peace and shalom (even if they don't realize it).  But hospitality really jumped out at me.

We did a lot of defining of the word hospitality in class, but what it boiled down to in my mind was "making room for others". And as I thought about this I started to see how present hospitality was in my own life.

Recently I have made new friends who have been taking me to their church. This is a stretch for me because as an introvert, small talk and new people in group settings are the thing that drain me the quickest, but I'm putting myself out there and trying harder. This young couple has been so gracious to pick me up each week and drive me to church with them. They have made room in their day, in the car and in their lives. They introduce to me friends and let me share in their community. They are close with a family from this church that recently moved to a quaint neighborhood nestled in the woods, and they kindly invited us over for lunch after church yesterday. The men made a fire outside and us women talked while deconstructions metal hangers for the hot dogs and s'mores to follow. As we passed around the baby and grabbed glasses of water the hostess admitted that they almost didn't have anyone over because everyone was tired and the house was still a mess from the move. None of us cared in the slightest, and the vulnerable space was all the sweeter.

Being on the receiving end of good hospitality is one of the most uplifting and warming experiences. I think we all have a strong desire to have a sense of belonging, and that is exactly what hospitality does, it streams a sense of connectedness. So then I ask, what do I have to offer this world when I don't have a home to open up?

Then I realize, in my previous post on grief I mentioned a funeral I recently attended and I remember that it was in the car headed to the funeral where I realized that I had this opportunity to live out this view of hospitality in flesh. It wasn't cake and coffee, it was clearing my schedule for the day to support something of greater worth. I had to make space in my heart to grieve with this family. Making space wasn't necessarily the space in my home, but beyond. In my life and in my love.

I have recently also read the She Reads Truth study on Hospitality, which powered a lot of my thoughts for this post. The writer says that "In Jesus we find that hospitality begins in the heart". We can have perfect snacks, freshly washed floors and a plastered on smile, but if we are not welcoming someone with our heart, we are only pretending to be hospitable. Earlier today I laughed at a quote that said, "Hospitality is making someone feel at home, even if you wish they were".

Last year was focused much on confidence in paradigm with vulnerability, and I see the vulnerability card pulled out here again (obviously, because this is associated with connectedness). Letting people in our mess and our honest lives can be scary and hard. Clearing space can take risk. I have heard it said "when you say yes to something, you say no to everything else" and I feel like it is the same with this. In this we see that hospitality can be a self sacrificing thing. And self sacrificing is not always easy. To die to self is hard, because the flesh in us loves focusing on self. Making space for something, means taking away space from something else. Making space for someone means taking space from someone else, even if that is ourselves. In our hearts we have to decide to let people in. And make that space to love and care, to comfort and encourage.

I had to come to realize that hospitality was not asking me to give out of the extra or the ease, but out of the sacrifice, whatever that means for you.