Exploring Grief and Loss, Pt. 1

It has been on my heart for a while to write this blog, but it has taken a long time to get myself to face this blank screen. Part of that is procrastination, part is letting it stew, pondering, processing and then finally a small amount is just the fear of finding the right words. I do not feel like I am any expert on this topic and there are probably countless self helps and heartbreaking yet enlightening stories out there. But I am just going to humbly lay out my heart in the best words I can find. In fear of getting too wordy I am going to break this into multiple parts.  My hope is that some sort of encouragement or insight can be found in them.

Everyone talks about college and how fun and exciting it is, with opportunity knocking on every door. They also say that you find yourself in college, not saying that you were ever really lost. There are many ways you can "find yourself"- you can (begin to) find what you are going to contribute to this world. There is finding what kind of integrity you have, or a just overall testing of the character you have developed. There is finding who you are, individualistically under all the layers and what makes you passionate and excited. And finally, there is the kind of finding that is never fun or easy. It is finding the realities of the dark and personal. They are the findings of character flaws and hidden sins as well as unearthed secrets and grudges.
During my time at college I have faced all those findings. The good, the bad and the ugly. It is humbly that I can say that I have found more clearly where I stand in ethics and religion and know clearer the kind of person I want to be remembered as. It is with much joy that I can say that I have found the Leslie who loves caring for other and has a heart for orphans and is actively pursuing a life overseas. And it is with sincerity that I can say that I have found the dark and ugly sides of myself that I have been trained by the culture to mask so well. As fun and exciting as college is, it is hard- not just because of the academics and busy schedules but because you have to face these things head on when you least expect them. 
All this to say, for most of last year I went to the counseling center at my college. (I am not ashamed of that what so ever because I feel like everyone can gain from a counselor) Much of this unearthing and dirty work took place in that small, warm room and one of the many things we attempted to untangle was unresolved grief and loss.