When I'm Scared to Stay

Starting a new blog in attempt to capture my wandering MK's heart into feeble words.

A MK's life is laced with moving, good-byes: inconsistency. We all know that. Like most MK's my heart craves consistency. As trivial as it is, one of my top bucket-list items (following "Safari in Africa", "Hot air balloon ride" and "Visit all 50 States") is "Have 'the usual' at a local coffee shop". It sounds warm and inviting, like out of a movie and it means one thing- that I had lived there long enough for the usual to be developed. It is to be seen, be heard and be recognized.
This is my 3rd year here at college and the time has slipped by faster then ever. And quickly I am aware of what a life I have set up here. The lady at Einstein's even knows my name! But surprisingly, more and more my heart becomes restless and much to my disbelief I looked at my roommate last night and said "I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to start over". I began to think about all the people I would leave behind and what I would miss out on so I wondered why I felt this way.
My conclusion was this: I'm scared to stay.
I'm scared because it is rare for me to reach this stage. This next step of living in tight community where you have been vulnerable and know- I mean really know- each other and it is time to push deeper. I do vulnerable well. I do "get to know each others life story" well. And that is where it ends. These people have seen me at my best and my worst, they know what I could be and they know what I am.
And when I do not feel like I am enough I wish to move onward so I can meet new people who don't know better.
There is commitment required in staying and though I'm known as the loyal friend to many, I feel too weak to stay. I know that moving, transitions, making new friends- all of it- is extremely hard...because I have done it time and time again. But right now that sounds fun and adventurous and quiet frankly, there is a whole lot to hide behind.
Maybe my heart just needs adventure and the only cure lies in the seats of an airplane.
But for now, I'm staying. Because that in itself can be an adventure.