The Year of Confidence

If you know me or have read enough of my blogs you know that I have called this the "year of confidence". Like many people I have always struggled with insecurities and self-esteem issues. Years of comparison and hiding behind introverted excuses has built up walls, shutting off who I really am. Subconsciously, I felt like I had to be a certain way in order to feel loved or to have any sense of belonging. But I found that this was just even more life sucking and I knew, I mean really new, that there had to be more to life. I had spent all semester talking with my counselor and finding the roots of these insecurities. I was ready to start living a life fuller, so when I found myself at a New Years party with old camp friends I felt more comfortable then ever. That night I had fun and danced with a box on my head and didn't care that people were laughing with and at me. That night I realized that my dream of letting loose and being seen as comfortable in my own skin was something that could come into being. I named it the "year of confidence".
It has been a huge learning process for me because it goes much deeper then just being able to dance at a party. This journey of self-discovery and confidence-seeking has taught me more then I ever thought it would. There are several things I have done in the name of confidence this year, there are things I have done because I have become confident and there are things that I never recognized as confident until these past days when I have been reflecting on this year. I made a list just to sum up a couple of those moments. I will also admit before hand that if you made a list of the things that I did that lacked confidence, it would be equal to or longer then this list...proving this is a work in progress. I also learned the hard way that there is a balancing act that had to be practiced when finding a new sense of confidence because there were many moments when maybe my confidence got ahead of itself.

Top 14 Moments of Confidence in 2014:
1. Danced in the New Year, and continued to dance like a fool the rest of the year
2. Continued going to counseling and choosing not to run from the hard questions
3. Wore lipstick in public
4. Showed up to a "Throwback Thursday" party in a diaper
5. Shared my ideas more boldly
6. Made the jokes more often and more loudly
7. Re-applied for the RA position
8. Learned how to drive a jet-ski, 4-wheeler, go-kart and the camp Mule
9. Agreed to be on leadership staff at camp- which included public speaking, being on stage, discipline and doing many more things outside my comfort zone
10. Wore a scarf on my head all day to support a friend's awareness campaign
11. Shared a devotional and personal life story with my camp staff
12. Did the "right thing" instead of the "cool thing" when it came to disciplining
13.Was vulnerable and vocal with others about my struggles
14. Signed up for a trip to Africa

In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown talks a lot about courage. She says in the first chapter that courage requires practice, almost like a habit- "We learn courage by couraging". Later she defines courage by going to the root of the word and telling us that cor- is the Latin for heart. "Courage originally meant 'To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart'...Ordinarily courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today's world, that's pretty extraordinary". As I read these pages and her definition of courage I thought about my word confidence.
I looked up the dictionary definitions:
Courage [kur -ij] noun
1. The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.

Confidence [kon-fi-duh ns] noun 

1. A belief or conviction that an outcome will be favorable.

2. Belief in the certainty of something.

3. Belief in the effectiveness of one's own abilities or in one's favorable acceptance by others; self-confidence.

I think these two can be closely linked but I would say confidence is more the belief in oneself and one's ability where as courage is the ability to act upon those. In Brene's definitions they both involve action- the speaking, the putting out there. I have had my moments of courage this year. The one's I mentioned above, like putting myself out there and sharing my story and ideas. But those had to come from a growing sense of confidence. I can practice courage all day long but I have to build up a foundation of confidence as well. I need to rebuild that belief in myself that got lost in heart breaks and rejection. I have to silence the lies of unworthiness and being unlovable. Building up new habits that are lacking the comparison and fear. 

It was easyier for me to learn to show up to a party in a diaper or spit out a joke and hope it gets good feedback. I learned real fast on how to "don't think- just do" and get on that jet-ski to learn how to drive it, hoping I wouldn't kill my friend and I. And I sucked it up when we were tromping through the woods at 1:30 am with bebe guns in-tow while we "hunted" the last night of summer.

I did what had to be done when Kathryn was sick and I had to run camp for the day or every time I had to get on stage in front of a room full of people.

The day I wore a scarf around my head with all my hair hidden to support a friend who struggled with a rare hair loss disease was extra uncomfortable and humbling.

In even harder moments I had to reach down into the last feeble strands of confidence- belief in myself, my ability and my training- when I had to knock on a door as an RA knowing that the conversation to follow would be hard and messy.

But the moments I didn't realize I would have to find confidence where the small, quiet ones. The ones where I had to choose to have the hard conversation with a friend who didn't really want to hear what she needed to hear. Or the times when I had to consciously choose to stay when everything within me was dying to run. To sit with a friend or resident in their grief or anger. It was going to a funeral of a man I did not know, to support someone that was dear to my heart. The letting people into the deepest and darkest corners of my heart and story. It was allowing people to love me well and being able to ask for help. The realization that I don't have my life together and the more confident thing is to be honest and open about that. It was vocalizing dreams and fears. The going out of my way and comfort zone to do a favor or encourage someone. Forgiving people that hurt me deeply and loving them non the less. It was answering the hard questions. Sharing my faith. Accepting my body. Loving my laugh. Speaking my mind. Posting selfies. Admitting my struggles. Asking for help. Being away from home. Loving fully. Living.
These were the ones that where so challenging because it is easy to slip by them unnoticed and unchanged. It is natural to be drawn towards the easy and comfortable option. We are a culture of comfort-zones and masks.
It's like Brene Brown was talking about, these moments are the ones that I had to be vulnerable and honest. It is one thing to be called courageous for cliff-jumping, because really the only thing to fear is a little physical pain or injury. However it is another thing to be vulnerable or honest because the thing to fear is rejection and judgment. So I ask you, which is one more courageous?
There have been moments when maybe I did not get the response I was hoping or I let other people's opinions get to me more then I should have but I am learning to shake those off. And I had to remind myself that there is another confidence I had to lean on. The confidence (belief, trust, hope) of my Lord and in His promises. The Lord is so faithful and good in this process of changing and strengthening my heart. With it I am able to trust Him a little deeper and more boldly. I know that He is calling me to not necessarily an easy life, but a great one. It is scary but reassuring that He is preparing me with this large dose of confidence because it makes me curious what is ahead.
 

 The women who originally taught me that being me is enough and inspired me to be succulent and live confidently with much love:

      

Throwback Thursday Party with my girls: 

The realization:

From Instagram: Today I realized that I don't have my whole entire life together...and that I probably never will! Ha.
So it's a lipstick, head up, joy on, crunch-the-leaves-louder-then-ever kinda day. Because where I'm at right now is entirely ok.
#yearofconfidence #selfietuesday?

On stage with Kathryn at camp:

 

Dancing like a fool:

Daring the go-karts:

 

These girls, because they taught me how to fearlessly find joy and adventure:

This selfie:

From Instagram: Today I'm wearing a scarf on my head to support my childhood friend in raising awareness of Alopecia Areata- an auto immune disorder that causes bald patches.
Honestly- it's a bit unnerving but I'm glad, because maybe for just a moment I can get a glimpse of someone else's life and today all those girls seem a whole lot more beautifully courageous to do this everyday.
What is your confidence rooted or unnerved by today?
#yearofconfidence #alopeciaareata

The people around me have been gracious, supportive and inspirational. I learn confidence from them daily and they encourage me in return by pointing out the growth in me. And one day something happened that totally caught me off guard. I have a class with a friend of a friend and she asked me about my "year of confidence" she heard about. She asked if there was a book or something because she was interested in it herself. I was totally taken back. I shared just a part of my story and some things I did but her talking to me about it meant so much. It that moment I realized that some little thing that I was just doing to help me live a fuller life (not thinking much of it) was having an impact far greater then myself.
That afternoon I walked to my RD's apartment in tears because this girl asking me about this was the final break through to something powerful. For the first time in a long time I realized that I could make a difference. Everyone tells us that we can be someone, or that you can make a difference, ya-da ya-da. But after a long series of events that week I realized that I was enough and that my story mattered in this world. We talked in lengths about this empowered feeling I had and how inspired I had become. There are days when that fades but I still have a strong belief that God is doing something with my life beyond what I can see. And thinking about that conversation now I realize that it was an incredible breakthrough to what I had been striving towards for almost a year- confidence. A belief in myself and what the Lord was doing in and through me.

It is coming more naturally and I strangely find joy in putting myself in situations that are outside my comfort zone to see how I will respond!
I know there is still so much growth to come but this year was pivotal in my life.
I was thinking about how I didn't want the "year of confidence" to end and that because there was still so much growth to be had that maybe I'll just continued it to 2015...but then I realized that it is so easy to use that label as an excuse. Of course I'm going to post a selfie or doing something bold because I can just light heatedly say "ohh! Year of Confidence!!" or #yearofconfidence it in no time.
I realized to be truly confident, I needed to move on and do just that.
Be confident.