Pt. 3 When I Lost Christmas

This holiday season I recognize a lot of loss in my life. There is some loss that is very deep and emotional, like having my parents on the other side of the world, or having said hard goodbyes to dear friends recently. But like the past 2 Christmas' in the States, Christmas has not felt the same.  My Freshman year I spent Christmas morning in tears because my heart was so homesick. Last year I spent it surrounded by presents and family yet it did not feel the same. And this year it is like it has lost all the charm that I remember it having. I told a friend that I was on a mission to make this year feel like Christmas!! However, I realized the other day that for a long time I have tried to force Christmas to be a certain way, and as a result it feels...forced fit. Sadly, Christmas will never be the same as it was before- even if I had all my family gathered together, if I sang all the songs and ate all the cookies, I am no longer a child growing up in the tropics of PNG. I had to, in a really real way, let go of all my fantasies and expectations of what Christmas was. A loss of childhood.
That does not mean however, that Christmas will never feel special again. I know in years to come that I will build up new traditions and start to embrace Christmas as an adult. I will learn how to spread cheer and love and I will love Christmas again. This year I am letting it be what it is. Focusing on the birth of Christ, which is more important then any present, cookie or even family member. Maybe it does not feel Christmasy, but it feels peaceful and I am okay with that right now.

I ended an old blog with the words "And I have learned that grieving is okay, as long as you don't let yourself get lost in it" (What I Left Behind) and the reason I type these things is because I think it is vital that we acknowledge loss and allow ourselves room to grieve. I quickly follow up with the need to tell you that it is also departmental to wallow in your grief past its' time. But this holiday season as I acknowledged the loss of a child's view of Christmas I have been filled with more peace and contentment then I have the past couple Christmas'. Part of that can be attributed to the gracious prayers of others, but I honestly think that a lot of that is that I let myself be bummed for a moment that I will never be a kid again.

(If you feel like I am taking grief or loss pretty lightly or in a petty situation, stay tuned for when I start exploring the idea of grief and my reflections on it further in future parts)