Watercolors

I've stared at this blank computer screen for a long time, because sometimes I come to the computer with nothing to say, and sometimes I come with too much. My mind is a mad mess of thoughts, emotions, and/or ideas that have made a giant mess I am just here trying to un-weave them.
But tonight I realize this is the perfect chance to talk about watercolors!

For those of you who don't know, I have two very talented older brothers. They both thrive in music and art. In the past couple of years my oldest brother has learned how to watercolor because someone in his community taught him different techniques and skills to make some gorgeous photos.
Last year I got to spend some time with him and one day he pulled out all his brushes and colors and we carefully painted side by side. I had done some watercolor in my time and love it, because it very gracious form of art and I love the soft outcomes. None the less, Nathan sat by me showing me how to move the brush so delicately, he suggested colors and even better, taught me how to manipulate the mistakes so no one who knew any better could tell.

One of my brother's paintings he did for Australia Day last year. 

In my life right now, I have some really exciting things in my life, and I have some really crappy (isn't that how life works). Last week  I got offered an incredible opportunity to work in Kenya for two and a half months this summer. At first I turned down the position, but with the support of friends and family, I soon realized how this was the Lord opening a door to one of my greatest dreams and a calling that was put on my heart. Everything about last week just made God's plan so evident and I could walk into the position in confidence. I have to admit though, I'm a planner and I'm an overthinker. So quickly, my thoughts became consumed as I attempted to figure out all the details, plan everything, buy everything all .right.now.

I grew weary as I began to process and realize there is so much out of my control.
And then.

And then I got news that I was not expecting. I got news that broke my world in harsh reality. And my heart sank.
And as I try to make sense of everything today I got overwhelmed and try to figure everything out.

And then watercolors.
Why watercolors?

I chose to talk about watercolors, because that is where I feel like I'm at.
This collision of colors of the good and the bad. The grace that meets them in between.
Because of the Lord's incredible faithfulness in the Kenya process, I can confidently declare his faithfulness in this broken news. Yet the darkness of sorrow inevitably take some of the vibrancy of the excitement with me. 
But it requires contrast in our images to add depth and interest. Still, there is overlaps of confusion.
And there is softness of grace.
Grace.
If anything there is grace. Great, big, vast, deep, wide, amazing grace.
I picked up Ann Voskamp's phrase of "all is grace" because how rich is that truth.
Grace in the small beauties. In the surprises and the blessings. Grace in redemption and grace in provision. Grace in opportunities, and grace in sorrows.
Grace in forgiveness. There are the small things that I can quickly correct with a couple strokes of a brush- stopping patterns of bad habits or unhealthy copying methods.
There is artistry of a bigger picture, where I only see the close up right now.
And in that there is trust and surrender to the greater artist and orchestrator of my life.

Fearless?

The "Year of Confidence" is far gone since 2015 seems to be moving at an unstoppable rate, but I'm realizing, as expected, everyday I'm still learning how to be brave.
I find confidence in the moments I feel I'm not strong enough.
I find courage in the moments when I have to keep on keeping on.
I find bravery in showing up, despite every little voice fighting against me.

Diligence. Discipline. I was scared of these words, and still am. They take courage to tackle. I have made many choices for this Year of Diligence, but many of them find me at cross roads that are hard to face, or repeating the same task day by day that I wish not to.
I joined a new church, and allowing myself to be taken is one of the scariest and most vulnerable things, but I still choose to go back every week.

This weekend I was feeling a little discouraged and hopeless. My heart was weak and afraid.
My future seemed too big, too lofty. I felt unworthy and unprepared.
And even as I bought a shirt on Friday to commemorate my year of confidence, with words scripted "She who is brave is free", I wore it proudly, but didn't believe it for a second.

This morning I was scrolling through my Instagram when I came across an account of the co-founder of the organization called The Archibald Project. Their mission is to share stories of orphans and adoptions through media. Whitney, right now, is living in Uganda with her husband and her posts literally inspire my heart every day.
Today's words could not have been more fitting, more encouraging and more convicting.
She wrote,

"Someone recently told me they thought I was fearless.
I laughed.
I would say I'm one of the most fearful people I know.
My brain and the enemy work overtime and I literally think about death multiple times a day. I'm fearful of flying and I married to a pilot. There wasn't a single month in the 5 1/2 years Nick worked for the airlines that I didn't have to get on a plane...multiple times. I'm fearful of germs and illness; I'm fearful of car accidents and my throat randomly closing up. I'm fearful of snakes inviting themselves in through my front door anytime I leave the living room. I'm fearful that we'll never have kids and if we do we will be so far behind all our friends and family that we'll have to make new friends. I think everyone who walks into a public place is planning a shooting or kidnapping...Y'all...I'm not kidding, I'm fearful. But something that my husband and Jesus have pushed me in is that even though I'm afraid I can't choose to live in that fear. Fear is an emotion, and yes, sometimes it's good to have fear, but most of the time it's unmerited. If I chose to live in my fears I wouldn't be experiencing all the wonderful things of life. I wouldn't be relying on God every day. I wouldn't learn to trust God over my emotions. I wouldn't be living halfway around the world in a sometimes uncomfortable land if I listened to my fear. I think God has used my fear to show me sides of His grace and love that I would never have known otherwise. I also think God has used fear to show me my calling. I know often times the enemy tries to derail God's plans and so often he uses fear to keep us from doing what God is calling us to do. Faith doesn't come before you take the step against your fears, it comes after. So I guess I'm just throwing it out there. If you're afraid, push into it. Don't picture me, or others around you as being able to do what they do because they aren't fearful. Chances are people are a lot more fearful than you know, it's just how people choose to move against the fear that shows real bravery. ☺️"

 Yeah.
On a day when my heart was feeling like it had no courage stored up, continually people told me testimony of how God used them despite and through their fears.

I don't know if I'm ready to conquer the world yet, but I am reminded that I can take it one step at a time, and that I am never alone.
May you be encouraged where you are at today. 

Hospitality

When I think of hospitality, I think of pineapples and dinner guests and always having coffee and snacks ready for when anyone drops by. Having a bed for weary guests to spend the night in. And honestly, because I don't have my own house or coffee maker, I thought I was excluded from this hospitality thing. But I soon realized I had missed the whole point.

Last semester I had to take a class called Christian Ethics. We got to a point in the semester where my professor would make us apply every ethical dilemma or choice to hospitality, shalom and love. At first I did not understand how to do this at times, because I did not know how hospitality or shalom could have anything to do with these dilemmas. But as we had to apply them again and again, I started to realize that it was not that they didn't fit the situations, but that I had a very close minded view on hospitality, shalom, and even love. However, having to do this over and over I got to the point where I started seeing hospitality everywhere. We talk greatly about love. And I think many people strive for peace and shalom (even if they don't realize it).  But hospitality really jumped out at me.

We did a lot of defining of the word hospitality in class, but what it boiled down to in my mind was "making room for others". And as I thought about this I started to see how present hospitality was in my own life.

Recently I have made new friends who have been taking me to their church. This is a stretch for me because as an introvert, small talk and new people in group settings are the thing that drain me the quickest, but I'm putting myself out there and trying harder. This young couple has been so gracious to pick me up each week and drive me to church with them. They have made room in their day, in the car and in their lives. They introduce to me friends and let me share in their community. They are close with a family from this church that recently moved to a quaint neighborhood nestled in the woods, and they kindly invited us over for lunch after church yesterday. The men made a fire outside and us women talked while deconstructions metal hangers for the hot dogs and s'mores to follow. As we passed around the baby and grabbed glasses of water the hostess admitted that they almost didn't have anyone over because everyone was tired and the house was still a mess from the move. None of us cared in the slightest, and the vulnerable space was all the sweeter.

Being on the receiving end of good hospitality is one of the most uplifting and warming experiences. I think we all have a strong desire to have a sense of belonging, and that is exactly what hospitality does, it streams a sense of connectedness. So then I ask, what do I have to offer this world when I don't have a home to open up?

Then I realize, in my previous post on grief I mentioned a funeral I recently attended and I remember that it was in the car headed to the funeral where I realized that I had this opportunity to live out this view of hospitality in flesh. It wasn't cake and coffee, it was clearing my schedule for the day to support something of greater worth. I had to make space in my heart to grieve with this family. Making space wasn't necessarily the space in my home, but beyond. In my life and in my love.

I have recently also read the She Reads Truth study on Hospitality, which powered a lot of my thoughts for this post. The writer says that "In Jesus we find that hospitality begins in the heart". We can have perfect snacks, freshly washed floors and a plastered on smile, but if we are not welcoming someone with our heart, we are only pretending to be hospitable. Earlier today I laughed at a quote that said, "Hospitality is making someone feel at home, even if you wish they were".

Last year was focused much on confidence in paradigm with vulnerability, and I see the vulnerability card pulled out here again (obviously, because this is associated with connectedness). Letting people in our mess and our honest lives can be scary and hard. Clearing space can take risk. I have heard it said "when you say yes to something, you say no to everything else" and I feel like it is the same with this. In this we see that hospitality can be a self sacrificing thing. And self sacrificing is not always easy. To die to self is hard, because the flesh in us loves focusing on self. Making space for something, means taking away space from something else. Making space for someone means taking space from someone else, even if that is ourselves. In our hearts we have to decide to let people in. And make that space to love and care, to comfort and encourage.

I had to come to realize that hospitality was not asking me to give out of the extra or the ease, but out of the sacrifice, whatever that means for you.

When My Heart's Desire's Become Flesh

Today was bubbly and heart warming so I thought I would share some exciting things with you.
My heart is so full and I feel so blessed, resting in lifted stress and new opportunities.

First off, we started classes at college this week and after an awful last semester I was hoping for the best. Unfortunately, I will still have a very demanding work load that is looking pretty daunting. Fortunately I am relieved to have very interesting, engaging and caring professors, as well as the excitement of having a lot of classes with friends. In particular, today I have classes with a couple friends I was close with freshman year, but life has gotten in the way and friendships have gotten spread thin. I am so happy I get to have class with them because that means I get to see them a couple times a week and get to "do life" together again.

Next, at the end of last semester I visited a church with my dear friend. She told me about a couple that lived near me that went to her church who actually started a non-profit in Africa. I know I have not talked about my passion for Africa much on this blog, but my heart beats for the children in Africa. I knew I wanted to get to know them, and so I proceeded to look into their organization. My friend was suppose to get us in contact but when things got in the way it never happened. So today I emailed her before my class from the "contact" section of their website. I explained how I knew our mutual friend and gave a blip on my love for Africa and their work and my upcoming trip to Kenya. I proceeded to say something along the lines of, and equally as awkward as, "I don't know how busy you guys are but I would love to pick your brain, or get connected, or help or work, or anything really haha". And honestly, everything in me wanted to type the words "and I just WANT TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND!" but I thought that was too much. Well, when I left my class I had an email. From her. and the subject line said, "Let's Be Friends :)".  Her words said the following, "Thanks so much for getting in touch with us! When I got your email, this was my reaction… 

“AHHH!!! We NEED to be friends!!” So, needless to say, I would absolutely LOVE to meet with you, hear about your heart for Africa, your upcoming trip to Kenya, and just get to know you a bit more." 

Ahh! I thought to myself, here I was scared to even vocalized the desires of my heart, or even think that it could be something, and God is just handing them right to me. Her response filled everything I was longing for. I have been wanting someone to talk Africa with, someone outside of my college's bubble and a couple steps ahead. A couple who has wisdom and experience. Connections and passion. So we are getting coffee on Wednesday. I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.

Shortly after I was in my RD's apartment talking about some things and we get a text that says, "It's SNOWING!" Kelsey and I ran outside to see the most magical, unexpected snow fall softly to the ground. We twirled and laughed and took shameless selfies. It was such a surprise.

Last, but not least, I had to have a couple tough conversations with my roommate the last couple days. This is our 3rd year together and she will be graduating in December. I made commitment to stay with her, but the opportunity has come up to stay in this beautiful 100 yr old home with some girls that make up the richest of my communities. I told them I would move in after December but through a series of events they have asked if I could move in the fall. I struggled with how to present this to my roommate so that I was not abandoning her, but it was also what was best for me to move in early so my senior year could be more stable. I struglled with the tug-o-war of feeling selfish and doing what I needed for myself.
After dinner I was able to ask my friend to add me to the group text and announced to them that there would be a princess moving in upstairs (because I have been assigned the attic room and I feel very much like Sara Crewe from the Little Princess who gets sent to the attic). They all welcomed me with the greatest joy and my heart was overflowing. All I can do is day dream about decorating and living in my own little world. I'm thrilled. One of my many dreams is to live in a house full of girls in sweet community. Such peace has come over this decision. Last week we all decided to not go to church and instead we snuggled up with blankets and coffee and watched a sermon together then spent time journaling. Similarly, when we went and looked at the house the other day, we had a time of prayer together. (understand why these girls are the real deal?) There is so many things that go into this but I'll leave it at that.

Finally, tonight we had floor Bible Study. The room was fuller then it has ever been before and we spent time worshiping and praying. It was laced with peace and love and I was reminded why I loved these girls. I prayed last summer for these girls and for this hall and I am beyond blessed. I prayed for peace yet growth. I prayed for God to be evident and so much more, and I feel like I am watching those prayers being answered right in front of my eyes.

I have had many days in the past couple years that are filled with darkness and I wonder if God still remembers me. But today I felt the verse Psalm 37:4 "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart". I will say that it was not my doing, maybe feeble acts of diligently fumbling over God's word in the morning as I try to absorb my coffee, but today I was able to see the desires of my heart in the flesh. Some desires I didn't know I had, others I had given up on.
People keep telling me to not give up, and to take heart, as I am growing weary. And today God told me, keep going. I'm making all things beautiful in it's time. (Ecc. 1:11)

Pt. 4 A Grief Observed

It has taken me a long time to get back to this promised post about grief and loss because my heart hasn't seemed to have the courage to work through these thoughts and ideas. So tonight I am going to give it my best shot. Be gracious kind readers.

As a Freshman at my college you are required to take a strengths finder test, my top 2 were: Harmony and Empathy. First and foremost I'm the peace maker. I'm that person that hates drama and fights and even structured debates in class. I won't voice my opinion if it is going to cause controversy and I tend to let people walk over me. I want everyone to agree (even at my own expense), I want them to get along and love one another. ha! But secondly, my heart beats with empathy. This is something that runs deeper then just sympathy.

Sympathy: feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune.
Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
When your heart breaks, my heart breaks with you. I'm that person that cries in the movies or cringe in pain when someone gets hurt. (Also, fun fact: a tendency of an empathetic person is to pick up quickly on gestures of people around you because you are deeply engaged in their body language and emotions!)
When you grieve, I grieve.

One Sunday during finals week I was at Starbucks pretending to study for my exam when I got a call from one of my residents. It was one of those calls you never expect or wish for. She told me the news that her father had passed away. I had that pit-in-my-stomach, heaviness-in-my-heart, searching-for-any-possible-right-words moment. As an RA I am invested in these girls lives and even though it is not always easy, I really love them and want the best for them. In this moment, my heart broke for this girl who I spent the last semester getting to know. The following week I thought greatly on grief (where much of these posts starting formulating).

I thought about my friend from the mission field who had lost her mother last year. I remember not messaging her because we were never super close and I didn't know what to say. I had a conversation with someone about loss and they said that there really are no words you can say, but sometimes saying something is better then the silence. I finally wrote this girl 6 months later and told her that I never messaged her because I knew my words didn't feel like they were enough. I sent my love, encouragement and prayers. I knew that was what was what I should have done all along. I learned that not saying something is the selfish thing to do because it puts us out of our own discomfort.
Last week another resident of mine experienced another traumatic loss in her life. I am not particularly close with this resident and I did not know the words that would ease her pain. I kept walking away from my phone until I finally decided to be brave enough to say something. I sent the following message, "...saw the news and I am fully aware that there are really no right words that can make anything like this better, but know I was thinking about you this morning. Praying for peace and comfort. I'm always a listening ear also. See you in January!" There was a day in my life where I would have thought this was not substantial enough, but when I sent these words I knew that sometimes less is more. I wanted her to know that I knew and that I cared. No amount of eloquent speech would add value to that. 

My RD and I decided to go to the funeral of my residents father, and it was one of the most enriching experiences. The night before I went, I skimmed C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed". Lewis wrote this shortly after the passing of his wife. I found it very raw and honest as you can tell he is writing out his thoughts and not even editing them because he'll follow up a paragraph by explaining that he wrote that in a moment of anger or he'll clarify something. It also reflected greatly on what a good marriage looks like, because he and his wife had an incredible one. But mostly he talked about how real and painful death is. He talked about how it is something that needs to be acknowledged and not swept under the rug. He said something along the lines of "Death is real! If we do not acknowledge death to be real we might as well say that birth isn't real either" (paraphrased). The extend of pain that permeates everyday is expounded upon. "A death of a loved one is an amputation" he says. Lewis is writing on the pain of loss but I like that he notes how real it is, how real the pain is and allows himself to express and feel it. I love the title "A Grief Observed" because I think all too often culture makes it "a grief submerged". As I have said before, (to a healthy degree) we need to allow ourselves time and space to grieve.

The funeral was beautiful. It was evident that this man was an incredible man of God who had the heart of a servant. He cared for his family and loved his wife wildly. Watching his family support each other and lean on the Lord was inspiring. There is so much I could say about the funeral but I'm just going to say it was an honor to be present and leave it at that because I feel it is important to respect that space. We got to stay until the end where I got to hug my resident. In that moment my love and support was the only thing I knew to do. My words have never felt more inadequate. My prayers never felt more feeble. I told her that we were there for her and I squeezed her with all the love I could give.

Like Lewis, I know that sometimes the hardest days are the quiet and still ones that follow the initial shock.This girl loves elephants and so when I was at the World Market the next day I stumbled upon these small wood elephants and I bought one. The elephant sat next to my bed to remind me to pray for her every time I saw it. Prayers for peace and love go out to her.

I'd love to hear your input and reflections on grief and loss. I'm still gaining perspective on this expansive topic. What do you think is the right thing or wrong thing to say to someone going through this kind of experience? Comment below. 

Welcome the year of

...diligence.
I was sad to see the "Year of Confidence" go because in all honesty, it had become a crutch. To be truly confident, I had to move on. So when I was thinking about what I wanted this year's word to be I had a lot of things go through my mind, but I kept going back to this idea of discipline and diligence. When I looked up the definition for diligence I knew immediately that that needed to be word. It simply said: careful and persistent work or effort.

I personally lack so much self-discipline and self-control. I rationalize. I choose to quit too soon if things get too hard, I give up if I know I'm not going to win and I will always come up with a reason why that chocolate bar is a good option.
But I think being diligent is such a solid juxtaposition with confidence because in my journey of finding a more confident Leslie I was living boldly and loud and challenging myself to say yeses and try new things! All good things, but now it is time for zeroing in on being careful and intentional. Focusing on what really matters in my day to day and what needs my attention. I still want to live boldly but I want to clear the margins that clutter my life. I want to form healthy habits and weed out the bad ones. I want to live better so I can do better.

It is funny because I thought of this word and a couple days later I was finishing up "Let's All be Brave" and Annie F. Downs writes one of her last chapters on "Rhythm" and she talks about discipline and how that in itself requires an element of bravery. It is that choice of still choosing to do the persistent hard thing. It is finding courage in not giving up, even when we are feeling more vulnerable then we can stand. It is the confidence that you are capable of carrying on and that there is something bigger at stake.

I still don't know what all this looks like but I'm ready to delve in. I have a feeling that this year is not necessarily going to be easy but I know that it will be for the better.

So 2015, I'm focusing on doing my job with excellence and not undermining small tasks. Eating better and working out more. Reading my Bible, journaling, devotionally and praying more faithfully. Being diligent in pressing into God and discovering more of who He is. I'm focusing on being intentional with friends and family and learning to love well. On sharing Christ's love and my testimony more readily. Even focusing on small habits like flossing. Focusing on budgeting and setting up a more self-sustaining/adult life style. Applying myself to school and homework. I'm focused on not giving up. Not getting discouraged. Not walking away. I want to learn the kind of confidence that is found in being diligent enough to stand my own ground...and I'm sure that I'll be surprised by what all will be required of me, but challenge accepted.

What are your New Year's words, focuses or goals? (feel free to comment below)